Wow has it been a while since I’ve been here!
Hey guys, and thank you for reading this post. Many of you have been asking me where I’ve been, mainly on Youtube since I’ve only uploaded one video the past 2 months, and I wish I had a better excuse than this, but I don’t.
As I woke up this morning with an extra hour of sleep under my belt, I just felt like I had a lot to say after having an extremely tough week… And after hearing Ariana Grande’s new single “thank u, next” which spoke to me in more ways than one!
I only have one month left until I'm 24 and 2 months left of 2018, and I regretfully say that this has been one of the worst years of my life. I'm almost embarrassed to admit it because I thought this was my year to make things the way I wanted them to be, but nothing I had hoped for has panned out so far.
I've been heartbroken multiple times, from people I truly loved and cared for, and from those whom I had only known a short time. I lost a job and a great deal of independence when my independence was the one thing I prided myself on. I've been burnt out many times to the point it would take me weeks to recover, only to end up back at the doctor for experiencing it again. I lost a passion I once loved (more on this later). I almost lost those closest to me. I've been hurt, cheated on, used, under-appreciated and worst of all...
I have no one to blame but myself.
I have learned a great deal because of this, but unfortunately there is one lesson that has been the hardest to comprehend; that I have to rely on myself for happiness instead of other people. I've always tried to be the person to bring joy, happiness and laughter to others lives. I believe this is something just engrained inside me because I have always been this way.
From being the “class clown”, to encouraging my teammates in college, to even in the relationships I have had, I always wanted the other person to be happier than me, which I guess is both my strength, and weakness. It brings me so much happiness to see those closest to me thriving, but it hurts even more to come home and still question what it is that makes me truly happy and what my purpose in life is.
Don’t get me wrong. There have been MANY amazing things to happen to me in 2018 as well, like meeting some of my closest friends and a whole new network of people, to finding a much better job, to taking risks and finding joy in little things etc. I never want to sound ungrateful, but we all know how the tough times tend to rain down a bit harder than the sunshine of the good, which in turn, helps us enjoy the good times that much more.
I regretfully tell you all that the rest of this year and probably beginning of next, I have to take some time off from my Youtube channel to focus on me. I still do, very much so believe that makeup is the best way to bring out a woman’s inner confidence and I will always believe that. I am even remembering as I’m writing this blog now, how much of a stress release blogging can be so I will probably still write a few blogs for you guys on my journey, so we will still be here!
I hope you all have found my Youtube and blog as a sense of peace, joy and hope in your life, or maybe even a little “home away from home” to de-stress, be entertained and feel refreshed! However, I have many difficult things in my life right now that require my full attention, including my health and beginning the journey to finding out my true purpose.
I hate to say it, but I do not love Youtube as much as I once did. It’s difficult to picture a future where Youtube is my full time and that’s not because I don’t want it to be, but I believe I have so many talents elsewhere and things I am passionate about in my professional career that I want to take the leap and keep pursuing. (Am I crazy for wanting to go back to school even though I already have 2 degree’s??)
Am I packing up my filming studio for good? Absolutely not! I still have had urges to get in front of the camera and film some content for you guys. However, it can be a huge source of stress and requires a lot of time that I no longer have due to pursuing other things. I found myself starting to get bitter towards filming and editing and it felt like I was forcing myself to film and I know I cannot deliver quality content to you guys in that type of headspace.
I want to thank you all for continuing to support me even though I have been gone! I am so incredibly thankful to all of you and I can almost guarantee you that I will be back, just not right now. I will be on my social media of course, but Youtube will have to take the back seat for now.
I have a huge challenge ahead of me, as I also regretfully admit the holidays are a time of stress and anxiety for me instead of joy like most people. But, as of today, I am DETERMINED to make the rest of 23 and 2018 my bitch 💪🏽 I am so incredibly thankful for the amazing people I do have by my side and I know I don't show them enough. It's time for me to woman up and take control of my own life because I know I can make a difference and I will NOT stop until I do.
What will that difference be? I have no idea. But both you AND me will see soon and it WILL be incredible ❤️